J 16 months

J is such an amazing and wonderful, loving and cuddly independent free thinker. 

He is learning new things so fast, and his personality is growing bigger every day. He loves to cuddle up between us in the early morning hours and he places both of our hands around him just so, making sure we are all cuddled close. 

He loves exploring outside, sticks and rocks really are the best toys ever. It’s the cutest thing to watch him play with a stick, find a better stick and drop the first and continue this process until he has played with 100 sticks. 

He has learned to ask “what’s this” and probably asks us oh 1000000 times a day. It’s the cutest thing and I love watching as he tries to take in the word and memorize it. It’s beautiful to watch your child learn. 

This last couple of months it feels like he has been teething nonstop. Last week he woke up at 4 in the morning with a high fever and three days later one tooth broke through. We are still waiting on three more molars! Whew. 

We have started getting excited and feeling guilty about having a new baby. Excited because he will have someone to grow and play with, and guilty that he will no longer get our undivided attention. I’m sure these feelings are normal. 

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Trying times

Second pregnancy is definitely different than the first one. Having a little one that need my undecided attention and a wife that is sick and tired in the first trimester and cannot do much more than eat sleep and go to work everyday has made for a trying couple of weeks. 

I am doing all of the parenting. It’s exhausting. I love it, being with J, and besides teething, he is  happy guy. Doing all of the feeding, changing, night waking (because of said teething), bathing, running, playing, you name it. I do it. I’m exhausted, and trying my hardest to be understanding and accepting that this is just a phase of pregnancy and our entire lives will not be like this, is sometimes difficult. 

On top of doing it all for J, I’m also doing it all around the house, any cleaning, any housework, cooking, it’s all on me. Some days much doesn’t get done except keeping us all alive. It’s survival mode around this joint somedays. 

It’s a phase. 

It will be over soon. 

I can handle this. I am strong. I knew what we were getting ourselves into.  

But

It turns out, that after doing it all, the emotional side of me just needs to connect, to be cuddled, to be loved, to be cared for. Unfortunately, M cannot do that for me right now. Our relationship has taken a physical break, is what I guess you would call it. There is no kissing, no hand holding, no cuddling or touching of any kind. We are sleeping on deprecate sides of the bed, with what seems like miles between us. I am upset, hurt, deeply affected by this. This is not what I ever wanted in a relationship. I am struggling to accept this part, I keep telling myself it will get better, it’s just because M is sick right now and pregnancy is hard. I’m trying to give her everything she needs. My needs can wait. I’m not the one creating life. It’s my job to support her. Whatever and however that means. 

Turns out, I’m not strong enough. M has picked up on my vibes. She knows I need more, and yet she cannot give it to me. She was very upset and in tears about it yesterday, saying things like why would I stay with someone who cannot give me any physical affection at all. I tried my best to calm her, to put my own feelings aside, but deep down I do wonder, what is going to happen. 

How do I attend to her needs and be understanding but also get what I need? I need a physical relationship. I am not just a roommate. Today friends I am struggling with this trying time. I don’t see an end in sight. 

For now it’s just trying to out best in these trying times. 

10 weeks: Jellybean

Hello wonderful Blog family,

It has been so long since I have posted an informative post. Over the last 6 months so much has happened and I have continued to fall behind on my writing. It seems daunting at this point. So, I will start with a post about the new little jellybean that will be added to our family in March.

M and I have always wanted a big family with kids close in age. So as J approached his first Birthday it seemed only proper that we began planning and talking of expanding our family.

I found a fellow sperm bank user that had several vials for sale and everything kind of just fell into place. M and I were very bummed at first to learn that our previous donor was no longer in stock and we would have to come up with another plan. We loved our donor. I searched the posting on the sperm bank page, looking for anyone who may have had extra and instead found a donor that was as close as we could get. We purchased 7 vials, reasoning that it took 3 tries for J, we would probably need about the same.

Turns out first time is a charm and we only used two vials. We were shocked that it worked so fast. We keep teasing that this is as close to an oops as we can get. We knew it was possible to get pregnant with every try, we just didn’t think we would. We were prepared for the wait.

It was a strange TTW when we started trying. It was almost as if we knew she was pregnant from the beginning. At 11DPO M peed on a stick and came to tell me it was negative. She was bummed, I was not convinced. I snuck into the bathroom, pulled the test from the trash and immediately saw the faint pink line. I went to tell her she was wrong and the test was positive. I just knew I was right! M didn’t believe me and proceeded to pee on a stick everyday for a week until that line showed up nice and dark.

Since that time, things in our house have gone well, but we are stressed. You see because we thought it would take a couple of tries we were not too concerned about the fact that a few months ago I had lost my client and I am not working. We thought surely by the time we were successful I would be gainfully employed again. We were wrong. M is working a job at the high school as a secretary, bringing in peanuts. It was such a shock to me to see just how much we pay the support staff through the school district.

So, I’m staying home with Jackson, which I love. However, its not practical. We need a much bigger income, I’m just having such a hard time finding a job. Its scary now too, because hello, two mouths to feed! I’m feeling the stress.

Stress, because I should be providing enough for my family. Stress because I don’t want to go back to work. Stress because my car needs thousands of dollars in work done. Stress, because I feel like I need to buy a house. Stress because we have gone through our “oh shit fund”. Stressed because M is getting sick with this pregnancy too, and at times its hard to do all of the moming.

Did I mention I was stressed?

I am.

However, I am also very excited to be growing our family. I cannot wait to meet this little Jellybean.

 

Washed my last bottle

Tonight I washed my last bottle for J. It was such a very bitter sweet moment. Washing tiny baby bottle parts for just over 13 months has been so very tedious. A couple months ago I got a reprieve when M stopped pumping and that cut the baby dishes in half. Tonight, however, I washed my last bottle. 

I wasn’t even sure it was going to happen. J loves his bottles, but he also loves his new nifty Mickey straw cup that we purchased a few weeks ago. We slowly weaned him onto the straw cup with his afternoon milk break and today he had 3 milk breaks all using the straw cup. 
I wasn’t expecting to feel so many feels about him being done drinking from a bottle, washing bottles, putting bottle parts away. It must just be that this milestone means he is one step closer to toddlerhood and farther away from babyhood. 

Did I also mention that this week he is also practicing on the potty and wearing undies. Yes that’s right, my 13 month old is starting the potty training experience! Oh my word! 

Happy first Birthday 

To our son on his first birthday, 
From the moment your mama and I knew you were coming into this world our hearts were filled with joy, when we finally got to hold you and gaze upon your face and ten tiny little fingers and ten perfect little toes our hearts felt a completeness we did not even know was missing. 
Those early days are all a blur and yet it feels like just yesterday your mama was in labor. I remember calling your papa, two days after you were born just crying uncontrollably. They were not tears of sadness or pain, they were tears of overwhelming happiness and pure sweet love. 
Each day we have watched as you grow and learn. You are such an observer, you take in your surroundings and learn so quickly from what you see. You are an adventurous soul and love to be out in nature, with the breeze blowing and grass between your toes soaking in the fresh and invigorating mountain air. 
Your personality is a perfect combination of independent social butterfly and quiet introvert. You love people, all people. You smile at everyone you meet and brighten each of their days. Your smile and laugh are contagious and can turn even the worst of days around.
 You love to cuddle and be close to your mamas’, curling up next to is in the middle of the night, singing songs as we rock you to sleep, or doing drive by quick hugs on your way across the room. 
You have mastered so many skills in this first year of life, you love to talk and communicate with everyone using words, sign language and touch. You’ve started walking and climbing. You count to three, use your manners, feed yourself using a fork, and know how to stack blocks. You read, sing, and dance (just like your mamas’) Oh dancing, it’s one of favorite activities to do together. We love dancing in the kitchen while mama plays music from her pandora. You are such a good dancer and you do it so well. 
We cannot believe what an amazing impact you are on our lives. You are a force of nature kid. One that will continue to grow and learn and shine. A force that will continue to have an amazing and uplifting impact on the world and people around you. We cannot wait to continue learning and growing with you. We will watch as each day more of your personality develops and you become a little bit more you than you were the day before. We are so proud and honored to be your mamas’ and we promise to help nurture your heart and feed your soul. 
Happy first birthday baby boy. You have had an amazing first year! 

Tired 

It’s 6:00 and I just woke up from a 2 hour nap. That means that in the last 24 hours I have had a grand total of 5 hours of sleep. Be it sleep regression, 4 teeth popping through, or the universe returning the favor of good early baby sleeping I’m not sure. But y’all I can barely keep myself together. It’s been a couple weeks of this pattern. Send help, and fresh cooked meals, cause we’ve not had the energy to properly use a stove without burning down the house.