Second pregnancy is definitely different than the first one. Having a little one that need my undecided attention and a wife that is sick and tired in the first trimester and cannot do much more than eat sleep and go to work everyday has made for a trying couple of weeks.
I am doing all of the parenting. It’s exhausting. I love it, being with J, and besides teething, he is happy guy. Doing all of the feeding, changing, night waking (because of said teething), bathing, running, playing, you name it. I do it. I’m exhausted, and trying my hardest to be understanding and accepting that this is just a phase of pregnancy and our entire lives will not be like this, is sometimes difficult.
On top of doing it all for J, I’m also doing it all around the house, any cleaning, any housework, cooking, it’s all on me. Some days much doesn’t get done except keeping us all alive. It’s survival mode around this joint somedays.
It’s a phase.
It will be over soon.
I can handle this. I am strong. I knew what we were getting ourselves into.
It turns out, that after doing it all, the emotional side of me just needs to connect, to be cuddled, to be loved, to be cared for. Unfortunately, M cannot do that for me right now. Our relationship has taken a physical break, is what I guess you would call it. There is no kissing, no hand holding, no cuddling or touching of any kind. We are sleeping on deprecate sides of the bed, with what seems like miles between us. I am upset, hurt, deeply affected by this. This is not what I ever wanted in a relationship. I am struggling to accept this part, I keep telling myself it will get better, it’s just because M is sick right now and pregnancy is hard. I’m trying to give her everything she needs. My needs can wait. I’m not the one creating life. It’s my job to support her. Whatever and however that means.
Turns out, I’m not strong enough. M has picked up on my vibes. She knows I need more, and yet she cannot give it to me. She was very upset and in tears about it yesterday, saying things like why would I stay with someone who cannot give me any physical affection at all. I tried my best to calm her, to put my own feelings aside, but deep down I do wonder, what is going to happen.
How do I attend to her needs and be understanding but also get what I need? I need a physical relationship. I am not just a roommate. Today friends I am struggling with this trying time. I don’t see an end in sight.
For now it’s just trying to out best in these trying times.